We’re excited to introduce you to Tamar Queen Barbash, a DCA® Certified ADR Divorce Coach and the founder of New Beginnings Breakup and Divorce Coaching. Tamar works with people going through divorce to help them manage conflict throughout the process and remain focused on their needs and visions for the future. Read below as our Founder & Owner, Lindsay Bell, asks questions to learn more about Tamar’s goals and how she supports clients to make the best possible decisions based on their specific interests, needs, and concerns.
Q: How do we know if what we’re experiencing is a rough season or a deeper issue that needs intervention?
A: This can be a very difficult question for people to answer, but the key is getting in touch with what our own wants and needs are when it comes to marriage. To get to the bottom of this one question, we have to ask ourselves many more. What do I want to be getting from my marriage? In what ways do I want my spouse to support me, enhance my life, and be my partner? How do my marriage and my partner currently measure up to these criteria? Did they used to measure up better and it’s only recently begun to feel off or have things felt not good for a long time? It can be very hard to exist in a marriage that isn’t working, and it can be very hard to make the decision to leave. We have to figure out which hard can be the conduit to something better and more fulfilling.
Q: What mistakes do parents often make when deciding “for the kids,” and how can we avoid them?
A: Children need adults in their lives who behave like adults. Children need to feel safe, so the worst thing for children is adults who engage in toxic behaviors while their kids are observing and getting caught in the middle. But this behavior is not unique to divorce. Many married couples exist in homes with significant dysfunction. Keeping a toxic environment intact so that kids can avoid experiencing divorce is not actually helping children. Removing them from the dysfunction and committing to prioritizing them is always going to be in their best interest.
Divorce does not, in and of itself, harm children. And staying together is not, in and of itself, better for children. The key is always going to be the adults, in all situations, making sure that the needs of the children are prioritized and that their exposure to toxic behavior is minimized.
Q: How can we talk to our children about relationship challenges without burdening them?
A: There is very little reason to talk to children about relationship challenges, unless a decision to separate or divorce has been made. At that point, a united message is best and it should focus on the facts of what is happening, not the details of the relationship or the cause of the split. What is most important is that children understand that they are loved and that the relationship between their parents is completely separate from the relationship their parents have with them. It’s also crucial to avoid bad-mouthing your child’s other parent to your child, no matter how badly you feel it’s warranted.
Q: How can we reduce conflict in front of our kids even if we’re struggling privately?
A: Working with a divorce coach is an incredibly effective way to avoid escalating conflict. It will give you an opportunity to talk through your frustrations, begin to recognize your conflict styles, and strategize about the best ways to reduce conflict when things get difficult.
The key here is being intentional about your actions and comments, and not reacting instinctively and emotionally every time your buttons get pushed. Recognizing when you’re starting to feel triggered is an important skill to try and develop. Having a quick phrase that you use with your spouse when you begin to feel yourself losing control is a great way to reduce conflict, especially when children are present. Something like “It doesn’t feel like we’re going to have a productive conversation about this right now. Let’s table it until later.” This gives you time to consider the topic at hand, decide how you want to respond intentionally and strategically, and ends the potentially unpleasant exchange.
Q: What does success look like for families who work through this thoughtfully?
A: The great thing about this is that it’s entirely up to us. We get to decide what success looks like for us. People think of divorce as an ending, which it is, but it is also the beginning of a new dynamic that we get to build. It’s new, and it’s not the life we envisioned. But that doesn’t mean it can’t be great.
Successful divorce looks different for everyone. But if we can focus on accepting the new reality and making intentional choices to make our lives what we want them to be, then the possibilities are endless.
There is always going to be grief and loss associated with divorce. But loss gives way to new opportunities. And we get to decide what those new opportunities look like for ourselves and for our kids.
Looking to hire a babysitter or nanny for your family? Do you have friends that you want to refer who love children and want to be a sitter or nanny? Learn why Bell Family is the best childcare agency in the business, with childcare providers available across the U.S. (on-demand service available in the Tri-state & Dallas areas). Contact us today!